The desk was not moved Tuesday. Went to yoga. It was crowded and since I got there late. It had to do with the boss thinking about our flow being awkward, resulting to a seemingly useless meeting that went on for eons. Dinosaurs evolved, whales grew fins, and went became bound to the sea.

Didn't do anything after work for Wednesday. Headed home and made a mess out of painting my nails and toe nails. As I readied my sleep to sleep, I get a phone call from R. Her close friend Priscilla is pregnant with the same guy that she had previously dated that use to cheat on her. Rose and I are in a similar path in our lives right now. Both in a weight-loss kick, except I'm actually gaining weight. Told Rose about the surgery I want to get after I am considered normal in weight. Possible introduction to internet dating. I woke up plainly out of it.

Had yoga with the bald Asian guy again. I kept slipping on my mat. Kirsten was there with a friend. I'm getting boob pimples from yoga. I know it. As I walked to the bar where my friends were, I munch on my granola bar. On the side walk there was an unconscious woman. This gay couple was there, one calling 911. There was her partner and a middle-age guy who resuscitated her. I see her eyes open and close, but she's unresponsive. Next to her hands is a pack of cigarettes. The middle-age man is holding her other hand, saying her pulse is weak. Her partner mentions she has diabetes. Walk to the bar unsettled. Shaina was there with the usual random guy.

I helped Marianne moved. It didn't rained while we helped her. First dinner at chinese place. Her ex-boyfriend has an odd way of walking. An awkward gait, as if he has yet to come into his own. I attempted conversations with me. We had dinner again at the Thai restaurant. So delicious.

Cleaned the studio. Waited at the cafe until Gianna showed up with her friend. I took them to the Extraordinary Desserts. They were of course impressed. There's a Phaidon book there on Indian food. I will get my hands on that eventually. Didn't go out. Instead went home and had a great sleep.

Did my first pilates classes. Was really easy, but of course its an introductory course, so there you go. It was easier than intro yoga. Headed to garden. Did so much in such a short time that I was there. Fantastic. Janette and Jason are back. I'm relieved. Had early dinner at the Persian place. Love lamb. I especially love sucking out the bone marrow in front of vegans.

Cleaned the studio.

Drove to Target to get diapers. Went to baby shower. The pregger was in the hospital. I can't stop looking at her husband. He is ridiculously handsome. Safari themed. Connie asked Denise if she was pregnant. What kind of question is that? What the heck is the comeback. Ana, a girl we grew up with, is in a psyche ward. I also heard this for another girl Ana was close friends with.

Headed up the hill and bought some cute stuff at this vintage fair with Arabella. This is my first bag with metal chain. Drank at her place before going to kareokee. Got wasted and hogged the mike. Ate good Japanese noodles at my favorite ramen house.

Slept at Arabella's. She made this delicious and aesthetically pleasing breakfast. Soft boiled eggs, yogurt, granola, two types of teas, nuts. Ridiculous. Was disappointed at my gardening. Made a big brunch and preceded to sleep my hangoverness all the way to Monday.

They changed my desk. Temporarily at the admin office. I made an adult decision and decided to sit with the sales again. It's a compromise. Sitting with the admin is too comfortable. Sitting with the boss, too crazy. This is enough for me.

After work I went to see an apartment for Marianne. We ate Chinese with Stella. She decided so far on another apartment very close to where Arabella lives.

I've decided to do the run with friends. I've gained weight. There's no doubt in that. I need direction in this. Before there was him, but no longer. I come back swinging.

Gnats Cupcakes

Engrossed in reading Gary Taubes that I'm already planning on getting his previous book that was more thorough Calories In, Calories Out. Makes so much sense.

So far, this is the most I've gone to yoga in a week. I've gone to yoga everyday except the night I hung out with Arabella. After work, I was waiting at a stop light waiting to get to the freeway to get to Arabella's, I see this car on the lane to my right very similar to Kate's car. I inched forward and saw the lululemon logo on the hoodie of the woman driving the car and knew it was her. I inched my car back. I saw the face of the man in the car right behind me, giving me the what the fuck face.

Arabella and I walked out to get vodka and cupcakes. The cupcakes had gnats hovering over them. When we got outside she asked me, "What are your thoughts!?" I thought of throwing them away. We get back to her place and scarfed it down. Despite the gnats, they were delicious. Watched Jeopardy and realized all those hours of watching astronomy documentaries paid off. Had a pleasant walk to Trader Joe's. Walked over the beautiful Vermont Bridge.

Told Arabella about more health and exercise obsessions these days. I'm transfixed in someday joining Move at North Park. I just don't have that kind of money to throw around the class schedule don't work with my schedule. Told her about muscle failure and all that. On the radio, heard this woman who received her college degree at the age of 95, say that if we stop thinking about our age, especially as a kind of restriction, we'll get a lot more things done. Then there's this woman whose blog I read with a journal entry on the obese and out of shape at the gym. She main a point of the dickishness of making fun of and denigrate people who are fat and at the gym. They're the ones that need to be there in the first place, and plus, what the hell is the point of poking fun of people who are trying to better themselves? At least they're doing something about it. Assholes like that need to do everyone a favor and do something about their douchbaggery. I can understand Arabella's reluctance on exercising in front of her family members though. I'm that way. I'm more comfortable in front of strangers.

After work Thursday, I declined partying with co-workers and the boss, and instead went to yoga and ran at the gym. I felt so triumphant. This was my first time taking yoga Thursday night at Hillcrest. It was full to the brim and I understood why. The teacher went fast and really worked us. Every time the teacher tell us to dedicate our practice to something, I've been asking for the same thing every time. That' the problem ... I still hope. It gets worse at night. It doesn't help I see Kate all the time, who reminds of what I don't have in my life.

I drove to my gym and was able to get in half an hour of elliptical. I ate 3 rolled tacos after retail therapy at Target. I'm was prioritizing what was important in my life again as evidenced in the way I shopped. I wanted to blouse on sale, because it looked good on. I didn't get it. Instead I bought another transitional t-shirt I can use both wear at work and while exercising. Then an index card holder and 5 panties I can wear well under leggings.

Didn't go to work Friday. The HR woman told us Thursday we didn't have work for Good Friday. Pretty much veged out. Got out of bed for the 2 pm yoga pilates course in North Park. I like the North Park studio. So nice and new in there. Bathroom is spacious. The class kicked my ass to the point I went home to eat and went straight back to sleep. A call from Stella early in the evening was what woke me up.

Dragged myself out of bed again for Ethiopian with high school friends. I stuffed myself with injera and honey wine. Had us seated outside. It's still cold. Another seriose conversation over Scott's sexuality. Caroline bumped into him, thinking at first he was another gay guy walking with his gay friends close to the gay bar. Stella told us he just had French food and wine for a candlelit dinner on top of a mountain after a long high with his new bffs, all gay, except for him. Stella told me, he does like the idea of butt sex, so one never knows. Many of these the events they went reminiscing about I can't remember or only half remember. Makes me determined to be more diligent in keeping a journal such as this. The mind goes.

Read this article about the nutty founder of lululemon. I'm boycotting that brand. I'll stick to what I find at Ross and Target. Kate brought my attention to this Pilates Group On deal. Bought one for myself and then gifted one for Caroline. While I was driving her back to her apartment, I told her that I have hypertension and need to watch out. I will probably start next week, or maybe if I'm crazy enough, start this Sunday. I'm excited about it. One thing about getting into my exercise kick is getting into techno, house, and hip hop.

I hung out with the emotional vampire yesterday night. I feel so shitty.

She joined me for yoga. It was her third yoga class of the day. I began to notice her similarity with my cousin Connie. She was very happy when I first saw her that evening. Had Indian buffet. Of course stuffed myself.

Work smart. Go to yoga then gym. Off days just gym or yoga then go home read, write.

Closed Up

The HR woman told me I'm going to be sharing an office with the boss. This terrifies me. I'm done trying to socialize at this point. Now I'm just going to try to do my job as professional as I can. A working stiff. Take out all my stress at the gym and studio.

It's only now did I discover the Ralph's in downtown has an extensive salad bar, sandwich counter, and deli section. I can eat healthy around here.

Went back to yoga after half a month of absence since that possibly alcohol-induced back pain. I went to the intro class again and the class is definitely much easier now than before. Still not perfect, but it's no longer a struggle. I'm still menstruating. So I tried to use a tampon they dispense freely at the yoga studio. It wouldn't fit. It's been so long. It's as though I re-virginized. =(

It didn't end well and that's why I keep thinking about him. I'm a monomaniac. Covering the same ground year in, year out.

I'm in this mood that's been with me for days. Withdrawal. I wish it can keep going. For the rest of my life. There's something cleansing about it. Work then working out. When I get enough money, it's work, working out, then studying. Fill my days with sad lonesome songs. Kings of Convenience. Beach House. Bon Ivor. Read more Blake. Thick curtains keep away the light from my room. My self-made prison. I can't have life. I'm beginning to understand Ivan's choices. Maybe my mother has something to do with this.

The best I can hope for is to have enough money for old age, a comfortable death. My own place, even if its an apartment. A piece of mind.

Ever since I started this job, I've noticed I've been getting plenty more bone and muscle soreness. It's hard to pinpoint what could be the culprit. There's a stark contrast of how my life has become compared to the beginning of this year. I have this planner that list the weeks of the year. This is the 14th week, and I must be fatter, as my mother told me. Although, I no longer watch the scale. It makes me anxious. Clothes still fit the same.

And I sat down,
Said, "I don't want to suffer"
But she told me
She had nothing to offer
No more

Comfortable Unexamined Lives

I can't stop thinking over Blake's interview that I read.

Blake's interview brings Stella's frivolous existence to mind. She throws people away that bore her. My sister does this also. My mother. Their selfishness have made them successful. Stella left me dusting away those two plus years I had moved back home to my parent's. Avoided socializing with me. They don't have to pay any price for their selfishness. They live their unexamined lives comfortably.

I read Blake like how I approach Lina. Know what to expect and act in my defense. Blake, an inward-looking person who thinks herself not very interesting. And this internal life will remain dissatisfying, even if I did find someone. Although I am unwilling to compromise, I must. And if the wrong person came to chose me, and I choose the wrong person, will I compromise? And will this life be good enough even without the existence of what I always imagined love would be? There isn't anyone to save me.

It's early April in Southern California and it's cold in my bed. It always will be. And yes I find solace in my self-delusions and self-pity such as that. I wish I could be a realist, and act accordingly, but in that manner I am like Kate. I still believe in that glimmer of hope.

Hang out more with Marianne and learn from her. Read more Blake, perhaps even some Didion. Work, exercise, and studying.

Arabella called Sheila and Kate romantics. Romantics are terrifying people.

Labyrinthine

For the most part, going home to my parents' house is a bitch. It was so soothing/relaxing this time around. Got a lots things done, able to release the toxic grip of Kate's influence.

Got home late. Created three mounds for my Three Sister's Guild. Weeded where I'm thinking to transplant my dad's locquat tree and where I'm thinking of putting in some berry bushes. Seeded this large pot with beans and eggplant, which I will later include tomatoes and bigger bamboo sticks. Then found a wonderful surprise of where my father puts in all the tree clippings/weed/leaves which I incorporated into a compost post of a trashcan that I later need to put holes in the bottom to prevent too much moisture. There's even these flat stones I'm thinking of using in the future.

Cleaned my car and went shopping with my mom.

Planned out more for my garden. People stare at me when I work at that garden. They think I'm some kind of expert. The men from the center nearby are all of the same variety. Left-swinging hippies that are a little nutty.

Realized there's so many things I can occupy my time with to avoid seeing Kate. Enclose myself in positive energy.

I want to read this Glamour mag article in detail. It had to do with money. Said thrifty men less likely to cheat than men that spend spend spend. Also makes me grateful that I let him go.

Now that I've lost enough weight to look normal, people keep asking me if I'm dating someone. They assume someone is waiting at the wings. There use to be. Not anymore. I realize I need reasons other than just to keep me going. He was the reason before. And he's gone now. It's in my best interest to move on. He isn't going to be replaced. I don't know how to replace him. The empty space he left behind hopefully filled with a career, a life other than that, but nevertheless still worthwhile. Some are meant to be loved and adored. This isn't in my cards, not reflected in the stars. I think of my scars. The barriers between me and the rest of the world.

That's why I'm signing up for that run this October. And I'm taking my studio's April yoga challenge seriously. Not worry about what I eat during the day, but hyperfocus what I eat at night. Granola bar, salads, tofu/fish and veges.

Fading Into Blue

I'm reminded how my cousins bore me.

Pouring over what's ahead again. Avoid socializing for awhile until my tests are done. That run is looking more to be something I should cancel.

Exercise three times in the weekdays, once in the weekend. Study twice in the weekdays, twice in the weekends. Exercise Monday. Study Tuesday. Exercise Wednesday and Thursday. Study Friday. Clean, Garden, and study Saturday. Exercise and Study Sunday. When it's that time of the month, study the whole time after work.

I'll start with AUD as its the freshest in my head. Then FAR, REG, then BUS in that order. Start in earnest.