Comfortable Unexamined Lives

I can't stop thinking over Blake's interview that I read.

Blake's interview brings Stella's frivolous existence to mind. She throws people away that bore her. My sister does this also. My mother. Their selfishness have made them successful. Stella left me dusting away those two plus years I had moved back home to my parent's. Avoided socializing with me. They don't have to pay any price for their selfishness. They live their unexamined lives comfortably.

I read Blake like how I approach Lina. Know what to expect and act in my defense. Blake, an inward-looking person who thinks herself not very interesting. And this internal life will remain dissatisfying, even if I did find someone. Although I am unwilling to compromise, I must. And if the wrong person came to chose me, and I choose the wrong person, will I compromise? And will this life be good enough even without the existence of what I always imagined love would be? There isn't anyone to save me.

It's early April in Southern California and it's cold in my bed. It always will be. And yes I find solace in my self-delusions and self-pity such as that. I wish I could be a realist, and act accordingly, but in that manner I am like Kate. I still believe in that glimmer of hope.

Hang out more with Marianne and learn from her. Read more Blake, perhaps even some Didion. Work, exercise, and studying.

Arabella called Sheila and Kate romantics. Romantics are terrifying people.