Howling

Yesterday, had lunch with accounting. Got to know more about the coworkers. Went to the same Mexican drinking place again with Marianne and her college friend after work. Watched Hunger Games again.

They and the alcohol convinced me into joining a run. I've never trained for anything before. Perhaps, this will center me. Centering that can be transferred to other parts of my life. I wonder if I will turn into those people that buy self-help books.

Had a conversation about sex, the rarity of vaginal orgasms. And of course there's that old friend regret again. That's all he was good at.

Headed uphill to the cafe in Hillcrest. It was late and I was getting sleepy. And when I look back to this, it is lonesome. I begged to be with them that night to wash Kate's negativity from me. There's always that lingering emptiness.

Went to clean the studio. Looked over the garden. Ate a whole lot to compensate for all the movement. Taking a short nap before going out for the night. I would like to hang out more with Marianne. I think I will actively seek Ariana's company just to observe her.

Writing Back

I've gone back to writing. Perhaps, it'll help me keep my mouth shut. Always craving a new start. A new lease in life.

Still feel odd at work. After work, I did some work a the garden. Some of my seeds are peaking out from the soil but at this point, not sure what exactly it is. I'm an amateur.

Hung out with Marianne. She pointed more things I can do at work. Ask for feedback. What I can do to work better. I'm glad there's a new salesperson joining the company. Marianne and I pigged out. Told each other that that marks our new diet. It's always a feast before the fast. It never works of course, but I always fool myself that it will.

I told her that so many things I use to find so important in my life like music, books, and films, I lately have no interest in. I don't even find travel of any interest anymore. She said it's because our interests change, but I'm dreading that it is due to letting dreams die. We get this one life only.

I'm not afraid of being with you.
I'm scared of feeling alone once you're gone.

I'm beginning to think I should jump head first again. Maybe if I do it over and over again, it'll stop hurting so much. Yet, nothing is biting right now. Perhaps, it was just that moment, when I was confident in myself for no good reason, it radiated out from me, luring to me individuals I wouldn't ever think to be interested in me. And like that they're gone. Effervescent like the euphoria of that moment, high and naked and alive. Memories of him, his face, grows grotesque. I still like him in my way. Where to go now. I have to move on.